April sucks

I miss my Nana. Tomorrow would have been her birthday.

I miss having friends to spend time with.

I miss feeling normal.

Missing People

So, as per the usual, I've backed myself into a corner, the can't win no matter what I do corner. I got offline, at least, where anyone I know could see, because to feel so lonely and alone when I supposedly had this wealth of people around was just too much. Plus, after being told that I was boring and that my posts weren't worth reading a couple of times, and having no one argue otherwise or take the speakers to task for being assholes, I figured that maybe it was just that that's what everyone was thinking and no one was saying. So, in an attempt to not bore others and take care of myself, I stopped posting on LJ, FB, and Twitter.

Problem is, now I miss people. Even that little bit of communication I CRAVE right now, but the downsides of it... I'm not sure if it's worth it. I don't know what to do at this point, so I come here to just get it out, where no one is reading, where there's no one to expect or hope for responses from, just so I can vent, since no one seemed to get that I was just trying to get things out of my system and not crying about how the world was unfair with expectations of things getting "fixed." Would I have liked that? Sure, but I never expected it to happen.

All the things that have happened over the past couple years have really soured me in a lot of ways to a lot of things and people. I miss my friends, but I really don't know that they miss me all that much, and I can't say as I blame them. Not that I think I'm not worth hanging out with, but I'm the easy one to ignore, because I'm forgiving, because I don't hold grudges in reality, because I don't do ultimatums and talk shit on other people to quite the extent that a lot of people I know do. I'm noticeable, sometimes, when I'm in the room, but otherwise, I can be gotten to when there's time. Maybe I should be less forgiving and take people to task for it, but I don't want to. I've had people tell me that it's because I'm weak, because I'm a door mat, but that's not it. It's just not who I am to bitch at people for being who they are, and treating me how they feel I deserve. It hurts like hell when they shit on me, as they often do, but I'd prefer being that person to being someone who's constantly nagging people for attention.

So now to figure out how to proceed. How not to be lonely, as an extrovert, without feeling like I'm begging people to be my friends. I can count on one hand the number of people I know who live nearby enough to hang out with on a regular basis who actually tend to express interest in spending time with me, and most of those people have schedules that just aren't meshing with mine. So how do I avoid the back stabbers, the assholes, the hateful people, the two faced folk, and still find friends, as I'm becoming more convinced that there are little to no people who don't fit in those catagories?

Alex

He got out again, and this time we can't find him. If there is goodness in my universe, please bring my puppy boy back to me, as healthy as he was when he left.

Starting Over

I don't know that anyone will ever see this but me. I'm okay with that. I'm sick of the drama and hurt feelings that have come from the "circles" I've been involved with on other social media sites. I'm tired of speaking my mind to be given token gestures of caring without any real meaning, or, even worse, being told that I'm wrong in everything I do and everything I feel. So, screw it. I'm done. I might go back at some point, but, for now, I have no intention of posting on those sites unless I'm specifically spoken to. I am not doing this for anyone but me. I need a safe space, a place to vent. It works better if I have people to vent to, but I clearly don't have that many people that I can do that with, so I'll do it alone; I've pretty much gotten used to that. If people find me here, great. I will have to assume that they are here because they actually care and want to be there for me. I have no intention of telling anyone about this blog, so anyone that finds it would have to have come looking. I don't know what I'll talk about here. It may be depressing as hell. It may be light and fluffy. It may go rapidly back and forth between the two. You know what? It's my damn space. No one is here, at least for now, so I can say whatever I want, and I plan to. So there it is. Here we go.